I am Cailean Wilson.
I am 18 in 5 days time.
I'm not sure whether I'm happy or not.
I know that what I'm about to embark on, this exploration of my conscience will probably be viewed as a desperate cry for attention, or an excuse to wax lyrical about worldly woes I simply do not have.
I don't care.
I need to let this out.
---
I am...
...selfish.
...flirtatious.
...arrogant.
...obnoxious.
...depressed.
...ignorant.
...egocentric.
...self-conscious.
...procrastinatory.
---
I'm scared...
...of a lot of things.
...that my father - the person who has given me and my brother everything - will give up on life after my brother and I are finished with out education.
...that I'm a burden to everyone around me, especially to those I profess to love the most.
...I'll never be truly happy.
...I'm a terrible lover, in all senses.
...I over-exert myself to seem likeable, let alone lovable.
...that people do not like me for who I seem to be.
...of death.
...of pushing people away by trying too hard to be "me".
...that my vices are slowly killing me, even if I know they are.
...I'll make nothing of myself.
...of forgetting where I came from.
...of never having a family of my own.
---
I'm bitter...
...that I'm so far away from the people I love most.
...that while the people I care for continue to get on with their lives, I'm fated to never truly catch up with them.
...that my mother became depressed, and has changed so much because of her awful situation.
...towards people that are confident, establishment, or have achieved.
...that no matter how much I try to make myself more amicable, people will always find flaws, and exploit them.
...that people I want to make amends with seemingly will never accept my olive branch.
...towards people that can see a job through to the end.
---
I'm angry...
...at myself, for too many reasons to list.
...at the people I've met who've made promises to me, and have never made good on them.
...at the people I've pushed away, for not giving me a chance to change.
...that I've changed several of the ways I think, and that has continued to drive people from me.
...that I allow people to fade out of my life.
...that I cannot forget, but I can forgive.
...that people I talk to are all to happy to talk about their problems, but when I try to open up to them, they couldn't give a shit.
---
I'm over-conscious...
...about my body.
...about my looks.
...about my sanity.
...of the way I am percieved.
...of the people around me.
...of the passage of time.
...of my addictions.
---
I'm upset...
...that I cannot do everything I want to do.
...that the only way I feel I can communicate my problems is by writing them here.
...that I have to do this.
...that I cannot hold my lover close when I need him the most.
...that I seem destined to walk alone.
...that I cannot be with people when they're doing something, all because of an ocean in the way.
...that I'm a failure.
---
I'm jealous...
...of the people I care about doing things I cannot.
...of people that have goals, and reach them.
...of people with money.
...of people who can see their partners whenever they like.
...of people who are better than me at the things I do.
...of people that breeze through life.
...of people who look good.
---
I'm ignorant...
...of other people's feelings.
...of what it means to truly be in love, even though I think I am.
...of the way the intricacies of the world works.
...of how to live without my parents.
...of death.
---
I'm...
...too young to allow these things to weigh me down.
...foolish if I allow myself to dwell on things.
...going to get better.
...going to give up my vices.
...going to be happy, and I know that.
I have my whole life ahead of myself.
I need to live.
