The Foreward.
You will have guessed - I hope by now - that certain things do not agree with me. Indeed, I have been referred to before as a hater, ever finding reasons to dislike things. I find a certain fondness in critique, in exploiting the flaws and faults in the things I like, or indeed love. There are many reasons that could be proposed to explain why I enjoy this behaviour - and I will applaude the first person to use me as the main study in a psychology dissertation as to do so would be no mean feat. Until then however, I will continue to create these little rambles, in the hope some of it will make sense.
Quiant that I would make a reference to higher education in the previous paragraph, as it is currently at the forefront of my mind.
Education.
The Scottish education system, with all the flaws it may have currently - flaws which may or may not be fixed and yet another educational reform to be brought about in the next few years (and I do not hold out my hope for the former) - is considered one of the 'hardest' in the world. That is to say, it is tough. Pupils find it tough. Pupils need to know a lot, and I mean a heck of a lot for their exams, some of which they will never use again. The courses are grueling, and unless you dive straight in, you will never achieve. Many people around here will say that Standard Grade courses are easy, and that may be correct, but once that pupil reaches Higher or Advanced Higher (which is considered equal to the first year of university in terms of ability required) then if that student hasn't pulled their finger out before now, there is simply no way they will achieve.
I am one of those people. I was a fool, and I will be the first to admit it. I entered my 5th year with hopes that I would be able to sail through the system, much like I had Standard Grade. So what if the course was a whole year shorter than the last? What would it matter if the stuff I needed to know was more testing that before? How hard could it be? That August, I vowed to myself that I would attain the five A's I had always been assured, and had convinced myself I would achieve.
I was blinded by my ignorance - by my arrogance. Things started out okay. But within the first week I discovered that I did not know certain things as well as I should. I swore to learn that which I had learned the year before more thoroughly. I pledged that I would have no problems with the new information because all it did was build on the year before.
But old habits die hard, and time stretched on. By December I had missed homework deadlines a good number of times. I was considered a clown, showing up when I felt like it, not much unlike a certain few slackers in 6th year. Did this bother me? Goodness it should have, but no. I refused to see my folly. Instead, when Christmas knocked on my door, I decided that the Preliminary Examinations would cause me no hassle, and I would do minimum revision required to pass. And I did! A couple of questions here, a glance at my notes there. I thought I'd be okay. My fears dissapated. I was an A grade student already. So what if I had failed a couple of the NABs? What did it matter if I 'misplaced' some homework sheets? I was a smart guy. I knew everything I needed.
Prelims hit.
I passed Advanced Higher Music with an A. Brilliant, thought I. Nothing hard at all. No problem, I told myself.
I passed English with a B. I hadn't revised my quotations. No problem, I told myself.
I passed Geography with a C. Well, they marked us harshly. I'm sure it wasn't my fault. No problem, I told myself.
Physics: Fail.
Maths: Fail.
Computing: Fail.
Fuck.
What did this do to me? It should have spurred me on to change my ways: To start sitting down with my books and copying things out; To read over what I had already learned; To complete past papers; To turn things around.
Instead, all it did was depress me. I despaired, "How could I have failed?". I will not bore you with my thoughts and justifications. I was an idiot. I know that now. Now Maytime, and one univerisity down, with the other holding me up with a conditional I must achieve, I feel like a complete asshole. I was given a chance. I have done the deed. Already, I have failed.
My one chance now is to work. I know the information, I need to learn my weaknesses. Once I have that information what work I must do. But it is imperative that I receive this information. The problem is that certain teachers are...reluctant to help.
My physics teacher is in essence, a good man. That is, he is a good man in the same way that crack addict along the street that gives out free weed and throws a good party is a good man. He is not a person I personally like. He is sneering, quick to comment, and overtly sarcastic. Mr. Callaghan is his name, and he is a man of resignations.
He resigned himself to the fact that I was going to fail physics after the first prelim. He resigned himself to the fact I am a useless student after I failed my second nab a multitude of times. He resigned himself to the fact that he's not going to help me when I need it most. He is a man of resignation.
Two weeks ago, my physics class sat a second prelim. This is designed to show us where our weaknesses are, and hopefully to show improvement. Two weeks the papers have sat on his desk. Two weeks I have waited on the information I need to start working. Two weeks, and nothing.
When I confronted him about it today with another student, he simply said he hadn't done them. When I told him I needed to know, and that it was important, he sneered and said "Eh, well Cailean, do you really think your prelim is going to count for anything?".
I wanted to punch the man, How dare he exploit my weaknesses for all to see. How dare he pontificate to me about how I am a failure. How dare he show me for who I am: An arrogant fool.
And then it clicked. Why me and him do not see eye to eye. He was as I am. He only got a B in his physics higher, something I would love to achieve now, and indeed, is the best I can hope for. He and I are so alike it is like staring into a mirror. Only my hair is longer. The callous, arrogant person I despise as a teacher is the person I am just now. It is my own fault that I am in this position, and he knows it. Through his words, I realised something I should have a long time ago.
Hypocritical for me to despise the critique I recieved from him. It is more than I deserve. To have my flaws shown to me and exploited is to show me how I can change. I know now who I am - and I know now who I will be. I am not the arrogant and sneering face. I am not the neatly trimmed hair. No.
I am my own person. I may be holistic in my approaches...but I know what I will do about this...I know what I will do.
This does not mean the man has a right to have not marked our prelims. No, this has not made me complacant. No, this has fueled me. I shall find out my prelim mark. I shall do my best to improve where i have failed. I will try my hardest in the may exam. Not because I feel some kind of self-pride, or feel I have a point to make. Not because I want to settle a grudge. Not because I want to see his face turn. No. One simple reason, a statement I told myself at the start of the year, and a thought that has carried me on throughout the long months. A statement I should have made philosophy, and carried like a bible at my breast. No matter who you are, remember this. No matter who you are, know that these words will forever be alive in my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, and my life. There are many things I am, and not all of them good. But there is one thing I shall never be:
I will never be a failure.
You will have guessed - I hope by now - that certain things do not agree with me. Indeed, I have been referred to before as a hater, ever finding reasons to dislike things. I find a certain fondness in critique, in exploiting the flaws and faults in the things I like, or indeed love. There are many reasons that could be proposed to explain why I enjoy this behaviour - and I will applaude the first person to use me as the main study in a psychology dissertation as to do so would be no mean feat. Until then however, I will continue to create these little rambles, in the hope some of it will make sense.
Quiant that I would make a reference to higher education in the previous paragraph, as it is currently at the forefront of my mind.
Education.
The Scottish education system, with all the flaws it may have currently - flaws which may or may not be fixed and yet another educational reform to be brought about in the next few years (and I do not hold out my hope for the former) - is considered one of the 'hardest' in the world. That is to say, it is tough. Pupils find it tough. Pupils need to know a lot, and I mean a heck of a lot for their exams, some of which they will never use again. The courses are grueling, and unless you dive straight in, you will never achieve. Many people around here will say that Standard Grade courses are easy, and that may be correct, but once that pupil reaches Higher or Advanced Higher (which is considered equal to the first year of university in terms of ability required) then if that student hasn't pulled their finger out before now, there is simply no way they will achieve.
I am one of those people. I was a fool, and I will be the first to admit it. I entered my 5th year with hopes that I would be able to sail through the system, much like I had Standard Grade. So what if the course was a whole year shorter than the last? What would it matter if the stuff I needed to know was more testing that before? How hard could it be? That August, I vowed to myself that I would attain the five A's I had always been assured, and had convinced myself I would achieve.
I was blinded by my ignorance - by my arrogance. Things started out okay. But within the first week I discovered that I did not know certain things as well as I should. I swore to learn that which I had learned the year before more thoroughly. I pledged that I would have no problems with the new information because all it did was build on the year before.
But old habits die hard, and time stretched on. By December I had missed homework deadlines a good number of times. I was considered a clown, showing up when I felt like it, not much unlike a certain few slackers in 6th year. Did this bother me? Goodness it should have, but no. I refused to see my folly. Instead, when Christmas knocked on my door, I decided that the Preliminary Examinations would cause me no hassle, and I would do minimum revision required to pass. And I did! A couple of questions here, a glance at my notes there. I thought I'd be okay. My fears dissapated. I was an A grade student already. So what if I had failed a couple of the NABs? What did it matter if I 'misplaced' some homework sheets? I was a smart guy. I knew everything I needed.
Prelims hit.
I passed Advanced Higher Music with an A. Brilliant, thought I. Nothing hard at all. No problem, I told myself.
I passed English with a B. I hadn't revised my quotations. No problem, I told myself.
I passed Geography with a C. Well, they marked us harshly. I'm sure it wasn't my fault. No problem, I told myself.
Physics: Fail.
Maths: Fail.
Computing: Fail.
Fuck.
What did this do to me? It should have spurred me on to change my ways: To start sitting down with my books and copying things out; To read over what I had already learned; To complete past papers; To turn things around.
Instead, all it did was depress me. I despaired, "How could I have failed?". I will not bore you with my thoughts and justifications. I was an idiot. I know that now. Now Maytime, and one univerisity down, with the other holding me up with a conditional I must achieve, I feel like a complete asshole. I was given a chance. I have done the deed. Already, I have failed.
My one chance now is to work. I know the information, I need to learn my weaknesses. Once I have that information what work I must do. But it is imperative that I receive this information. The problem is that certain teachers are...reluctant to help.
My physics teacher is in essence, a good man. That is, he is a good man in the same way that crack addict along the street that gives out free weed and throws a good party is a good man. He is not a person I personally like. He is sneering, quick to comment, and overtly sarcastic. Mr. Callaghan is his name, and he is a man of resignations.
He resigned himself to the fact that I was going to fail physics after the first prelim. He resigned himself to the fact I am a useless student after I failed my second nab a multitude of times. He resigned himself to the fact that he's not going to help me when I need it most. He is a man of resignation.
Two weeks ago, my physics class sat a second prelim. This is designed to show us where our weaknesses are, and hopefully to show improvement. Two weeks the papers have sat on his desk. Two weeks I have waited on the information I need to start working. Two weeks, and nothing.
When I confronted him about it today with another student, he simply said he hadn't done them. When I told him I needed to know, and that it was important, he sneered and said "Eh, well Cailean, do you really think your prelim is going to count for anything?".
I wanted to punch the man, How dare he exploit my weaknesses for all to see. How dare he pontificate to me about how I am a failure. How dare he show me for who I am: An arrogant fool.
And then it clicked. Why me and him do not see eye to eye. He was as I am. He only got a B in his physics higher, something I would love to achieve now, and indeed, is the best I can hope for. He and I are so alike it is like staring into a mirror. Only my hair is longer. The callous, arrogant person I despise as a teacher is the person I am just now. It is my own fault that I am in this position, and he knows it. Through his words, I realised something I should have a long time ago.
Hypocritical for me to despise the critique I recieved from him. It is more than I deserve. To have my flaws shown to me and exploited is to show me how I can change. I know now who I am - and I know now who I will be. I am not the arrogant and sneering face. I am not the neatly trimmed hair. No.
I am my own person. I may be holistic in my approaches...but I know what I will do about this...I know what I will do.
This does not mean the man has a right to have not marked our prelims. No, this has not made me complacant. No, this has fueled me. I shall find out my prelim mark. I shall do my best to improve where i have failed. I will try my hardest in the may exam. Not because I feel some kind of self-pride, or feel I have a point to make. Not because I want to settle a grudge. Not because I want to see his face turn. No. One simple reason, a statement I told myself at the start of the year, and a thought that has carried me on throughout the long months. A statement I should have made philosophy, and carried like a bible at my breast. No matter who you are, remember this. No matter who you are, know that these words will forever be alive in my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, and my life. There are many things I am, and not all of them good. But there is one thing I shall never be:
I will never be a failure.
you ken.
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